I'm getting quite a few hits from people seeking bereavement thanks. Given that some time around January 10, 2005 I did the same search and found absolutely nothing beyond the unbelievable plethora of absolutely tacky preprinted cards, I thought that I'd share what I've worked out for myself in the last two weeks as well as offer a few samples of what I ended up writing. I hope I do it in a thoughtful way and don't come off too preachy.
Time Frame This seems to be the most sought after subtopic.
Unlike other thank you notes, you are not required to jump right up and send out bereavement thanks within a day or two of the gift's receipt. There's an innate understanding that while some (like me) immediately look for activities to get beyond the loss, others do whatever they can to avoid acknowledging the death at all costs for a few weeks or months. Most people are gracious enough to understand that each person's grief is different and will allow you space to do whatever you need to do to heal. Additionally, if you have been through the funeral process in any "planner" capacity, it is understood that you have had your hands full and it might be some time before you are able to respond.
I have yet to find any etiquette books dealing specifically with the writing and timing of bereavement thanks. Most of the books claiming they do so usually only cursorily cover how to write a condolence note and not a bereavement thank you. Without guidance from an "etiquette professional", as cheesy as it sounds, it's ultimately up to you to decide how, what and when you are ready to take on regarding the "business side" of your loss. I choose to believe that any suggestion to get thank yous out within a month or two of a death is just a well-meant attempt to help you avoid the daunting pile facing you later. But if you're feeling guilty about not getting them written, come back and read this as many times as you need to:
While I'm very thankful for the love and support people are offering me at this time, I'm sure that they would much rather I help myself heal than feel like a failure for not getting their thank you card written immediately. I will write them an official thank you later, but for now I will only demand a phone call, visit or email from myself for gifts of food or flowers. Not that sympathy cards don't count, just that I need to draw the line somewhere.
What to Write Writing bereavement thanks is so tough because you're not only expressing gratitude, you are acknowledging another person's grief at a time when you're often still dealing with your own. Consoling another can be awkward and sometimes painful, but it can also be therapeutic.
One of the first things I can offer is that if you purchase thank you cards from the funeral home during the arrangement process, don't be surprised if they were printed in 1965 and look like they've been waiting for someone to save them from the burn pile. The ones we got were powdery, for lack of a better description, and I didn't even open the box before I started googling away. Had I opened them, I'd have seen that there was already a sentiment printed inside. While this sentiment was a bit stiff for my taste (Your comforting expression of sympathy will always be held in grateful remembrance), finding it there made getting started a little bit easier. If you are in a place where all you can manage is to sign a pre-printed card, that more than fulfills your responsibility. Again, people WILL understand.
However, if you're ready to write something more, just remember to keep it brief, sincere, personal and specific. Outside of these things I found the biggest challenge has been thanking people I don't know well (or at all). For what it's worth, here's how I handled some of those challenges myself:
FLOWERS
Dear Charles and Greta,
Thank you so much for the flowers. We thought the roses were beautiful and, as they were Mom's favorite, found comfort in them.
Your thoughtfulness during this time is a great support.
Thank you again,
The L. Family
.......................
DONATIONS
Dear Tom and Nancy,
Your donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society was wonderfully thoughtful. They do great things for people with her disease and we are comforted in the knowledge that another family may be receiving support in Mom's name.
Thank you again,
The L. Family
.......................
FOOD
Dear Joey,
Your thoughtful gift of chicken soup and homemade rolls was absolutely delicious and just what we needed.
You were always such a great friend to my mother, especially in the last year. We all appreciate your kindness to us now as we move through this difficult time.
God Bless (she's particularly religious),
The L. Family
This one also addresses the fact that I while "Joey" was a relative stranger to me, she had become instrumental to Mom in the last year of her life. In cases like this one, I also included an acknowledgement of what her friendship and support meant to my mother and by extention to her family. My experience has been that this acknowledgement soothes their pain, making mine seem less.
.......................
CONDOLENCE/SYMPATHY CARDS
Yes, it is good to acknowledge these cards with a thank you. If you receive one from a close personal friend you are within your rights to call. However, if the card is from an acquaintance or if it is a letter (which many etiquette sites advise should be sent in place of a greeting card), you should acknowledge it in writing.
Dear Mr and Mrs Rose,
Your condolence card was a source of strength for me/us in this difficult time. I wish I could express how much it meant in attempting to thank you.
The knowledge that I/we have your support makes coping a little easier.
Thank you,
The L. Family
.......................
MEMORIAL MASS OFFERINGS
I'm unsure of similar traditions in other faiths, but memorial masses are often said for deceased Catholics. In this manner the congregation prays for the immortal soul of the deceased so that they may leave purgatory and enter heaven earlier than they would otherwise (or at least that's the idea). My mother was a True Believer and she wore her faith like a shield. This is how I handled thank you cards for these gifts:
Dear Laurie,
Thank you for arranging a memorial mass in Mom's name. Her faith was a very large part of who she was and it brought her great strength and comfort. It would mean a lot to her that you recognized that by the way she lived her life.
Your continued respect for her and compassion for us is a great comfort.
Thank you and God bless,
The L. Family
.......................
CARDS FROM PHYSICIANS OR DENTISTS
I don't know how common it is to receive condolences from former doctors or dentists of the deceased, but we got them. I was especially surprised by the one from her dentist because I didn't know they were aware of her situation in the weeks leading up to her death. I thought it was so extremely thoughtful that I had to mention it in the thanks:
Dear Dr K, Michele, Craig, Debbie, Shannon, Tina & Leslie,
I don't know how often a dentist's office sends a sympathy card, but it must be a testament to both you and Mom that you'd do so. It is such a comfort right now to know how many lives she touched. Thank you for thinking of her and of us.
The L. Family
.......................
SPECIAL FOCUS ON FAMILY
Nothing brings out family you've never met before (or haven't seen in a long time anyway) like weddings and funerals. As hard as it is to think of it like a social event, funerals are a great place to socialize. It's good to write something that's specific to the person you're thanking--maybe an anecdote from the viewing or photos/family history they shared. People usually want to maintain family connections beyond the funeral and mentioning the importance of these little things can open a doorway to further communication. It's worth the effort if you can manage it.
What to Write to People Who Have Hurt You This is not the time to air your negative feelings. If the person did even the smallest kindness for the one you lost, be thankful for that gift even if you want to claw the person's eyes out.
It goes without saying that sometimes people aren't as gracious to the bereaved as they should be. These people are to be pitied, to be sure, but you've got more home trainin' than that. Send them a thank you and be done with it. You'll be glad you did.
What Name Do I Use to Sign the Card? Obviously if the card/gift was addressed to you directly, you are free to put your own name on the note. However, if the card/gift was given to the entire family or to several members of the family but not all (this is fairly common in larger families), the signature should be "The Smiths" or "The Joneses"--or you can run the list of names if you have a smaller family (ie, "Robert, James & Brenda Smith").
In my case there were several times when I wrote a personal message to people about things only I knew about, but I still made sure to include my whole family's name because the card/gift was given to all of us. Also, there might be times when things will be given to three people but not to you--if you have the responsibility of writing the card, you should still write that it's from the family. That way you avoid any hurt feelings the gift giver might have (even though they were the ones addressing it to a particular person(s) and not you in the first place--stranger things have happened).
-------------------
Thanks to a clever monkey whose excite search netted a link to Emily Post's site which actually had something to say about bereavement thanks:
There is no official time frame for writing notes of appreciation to those who have extended their condolences and kindness to you. The important thing is that you have received comfort from the many who have helped you. For some, writing notes is helpful as they work through their grief; for others it is too difficult to get much done for some time. The best thing is to work things through at your own pace. Another option, is to ask a close relative or friend to write some notes on your behalf. It's up to you.
-------------------
If you have come to this site looking for something I've not covered, don't be afraid to ask. Bereavement thanks seem to be something that everyone has difficulty with and no one offers much help beyond trying to sell you some shmaltzy card of a beach at sunset.
Good heavens, I so admire you. I'm not even going to go on and on about why--anyone who reads your post will know. I wish I could be so generous...home trainin' or not, if I ever encounter Betty the Huge Prancing Ass Clown, I will not hesitate to convene a little Come to Jesus meeting there, on the spot, and impart a little religion on generosity of spirit, learned in the Church of Jen.
Posted by: renie | January 25, 2005 at 03:03 PM
renie, i love you. amen.
mrs. dugan, you are an incredible lady.
Posted by: dave | January 26, 2005 at 12:05 AM
Dave, when I read your comment this morning (pre-caffeine) I thought to myself, "why is he talking about Bill's mom on my site? I don't get it..."
Posted by: tbtine | January 26, 2005 at 11:24 AM
What is the proper etiquette of sending thank you notes to a group of coworkers who collectively sent a food basket and individually sent donations? Is it okay to send a group email of thanks?
Posted by: boston | February 15, 2005 at 10:49 PM
First of all, Boston, let me offer my sympathy on your loss. I hope you find some peace as you grieve.
As for your question, it's a good one. Since I don't know all of the variables affecting your situation, I'm going to address what I (and my rather large family) did. On the face of it I'd have to say that no, you shouldn't send an email no matter how tempted you are.
The individual donations are a constant: be sure to send a thank you card to each person (or couple) who sent a donation. Donations go above and beyond whatever a group might do, so be sure to thank them formally for their kindness.
As for the food basket, how you thank coworkers is really relative to the size of the group and your relationship to them. For instance, if your close group of friends at work went in on a gift, you should thank them all individually. If you got a basket from "The IT Staff" and you work in accounting, it's ok to send one card addressed to their department. If the basket came from the the entire company, you can send one thank you to the whole company. This last one can be tricky if you work for a large corporation, but usually branch offices are the ones responsible for sending "company" condolence gifts, so you can send the note to the office in which you work.
In the instances where you know a person went in on the company gift and made a donation, obviously you can thank them for both in a single note.
Posted by: tbtine | February 16, 2005 at 10:35 PM
I am looking for some type of card that would be different than the usual "funeral home" bereavement thank you cards. I have a quote that I want to include on the inside, but I am having difficulty finding an "outside." Any suggestions? Thanks.
Posted by: Tara SToddard | February 21, 2005 at 11:51 AM
Tara, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you're surrounded by all the love and support you need.
Everyone's tastes are different so I'm not sure what to suggest. For the family thank yous I used a combination of those my father purchased from the funeral home and some extras we got from Hallmark. I wasn't thrilled with doing that, but I just put it down to occupational snobbery on my part (I'm a graphic designer by trade) paired with grief and got on with it. Perhaps if I'd had more time and energy I'd have designed my own...alas...
In looking for cards online I found that there are so many companies offering "personalized" cards that don't really allow them to be truly personalized. By that I mean that they give you umpteen choices of sunset, mountain, flying bird imagery and 15 different verses, a place to write your loved one's name and perhaps a date, but that's not personalized. Personalized is really what I think you're looking for--you want a company that will allow you to type in the verse you've already selected, offer choices of suitable images and then print them for you, right? If you're lucky enough to have an image that you already know you want to use, you could always order printed cards from a site like this (note: I have never used this company, so I'm not vouching for their quality, just offering them as a suggestion), or design and print your own.
One of the things I ran into almost right away was just how awkward it was to start a thank you note when the cover of the card already said thank you, so don't feel like you have to pick a card with that printed right up front. There is nothing wrong with purchasing attractive stationery and then hand printing your verse on the inside along with your thank you message. While it's time consuming, it does add a personal touch that cannot be denied.
It sounds noncommital, but ultimately, whatever you decide will be the right choice.
Posted by: tbtine | February 21, 2005 at 10:42 PM
I can't believe I found this beautiful site. I lost my beloved mother last week suddenly. I have a large family, five brothers and sisters. My mother was a very wonderful Italian mother. She lived for her family. Went to Mass every day. Had a fabulous personality and was truly a good person -- everyone loved her. Over a thousand people showed up for her viewing, and nearly 500 the next day at the funeral Mass. We have lots of people to thank and I wanted to do something like Tara mentioned above. I'm wondering, Tara, would you mind sharing the quote you're using on the inside of the card? I've been trying to find something appropriate. I have found an elegant card that opens at the Crane site. Thought I would print a formal thank you from the family and then we would be able to write a little personal note below. I just can't come up with the formal but personal printed part. Any help would be so appreciated.
Once again, I am so glad to have found you wonderful people. It's really comforting. Thank you!
Posted by: Judy Barnes | February 25, 2005 at 11:17 AM
Judy, I'm sorry for your loss--but what a wonderful testament to your mother that so many people came to pay their respects! I think people don't realize how much that means to the survivors to see that their loved one lived such a full life.
When you mentioned the Crane site, I wondered why I didn't think to suggest them before--they do have beautiful papers and have several options for simple thank you cards. However, and I hesitate to mention this because no one wants to be "cheap" regarding a loved one's funeral, their cards do run high (20 cards for $10-24), and if you have limited funds with which to pull off the funerary rites, this might not be the best way for you to proceed. (But I still highly recommend Crane's papers--love them!)
Tara, if you check back in, please share the quote with the class. I've had quite a few people land here because of the Lincoln quote a friend posted (he lost his grandmother within a week of my mother's death and found it in his own search).
Posted by: tbtine | February 28, 2005 at 12:09 AM
Tara emailed me this in response to Judy's question and gave me permission to post it here:
Hi,
Thanks once again for the e-mail. It really amazes me as to how people such as yourself, care about others whom you have never met. I haven't been back to the website, but I am glad you e-mailed me. I will be happy to share what I have decided to do in regards to the notes................. I'm not sure that it will help Judy since her mother passed away suddenly............... my Mom had been sick for quite awhile, although she was only 72, but she always bounced back and we just had expected her to this time as well. However, I think our mothers would have been good friends! It seems as if they both were loved, admired, and inspired many. They will be missed not only by their families, but numerous others as well. My Mom passed away on Feb. 8, and it still seems like a bad dream......... She and my Dad live next door to us, and I just can't believe she's not there.
Anyway, my Mom had sort of "adopted" her doctor and he referred to her as "Aunt Gwen." Flowers arrived from Dr. Hall with a card in which he had written:
She Exhibited The Greatest Degree
Of Strength And Dignity In The
Face Of A Debilitating Disease And
Always Managed To Be Upbeat And
Optimistic.
So, with Dr. Hall's permission, I changed "she" to "Gwen Hancock" and will use it on the front of the card I chose. It just summed my Mom and her attitude and love perfectly............. I will write the thank you note on the inside of the card. I will be happy to share with you the exact card I chose as it was a heavier weight paper and I thought it was elegant yet soft, with an airy watercolor feel. However, I found the card at a local shop here in my hometown and did not write down the name of the company etc. They are printing an "example" for me and I will be glad to get and send you the information when I go back to the store to preview it.
Thank you again for your care and concern.
Posted by: tbtine | March 25, 2005 at 11:24 AM
I just lost my sweet mom. Quickly, I am learning how different the world is for me now. I need help... I am at a loss for the right words to thank my sixth grade students and parents. Several have given me gifts and I just can't seem to find the words to thank them. I really would appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks heaps.
Posted by: Michele NeJaime | April 05, 2005 at 10:59 PM
Michele,
I'm very sorry for your loss but I am thankful that you have such wonderful students who are thoughtful enough to offer their support. It might not seem like it now but in time those messages and gifts will become even more precious to you.
I am going out on a limb here, but my guess is that part of your uncertainty about what to write is that the gifts come from children (and their parents, but usually when kids give teachers presents, the parents' involvement is merely to foot the bill). Thank you notes written to children may seem to require a different set of language than adults, but they don't. Really, as long as what you say expresses what you feel in your heart--honestly appreciative for their kindness--the words don't really matter.
Still, just in case that doesn't help you get started, here is a suggestion:
Dear Chantal (and Mr & Mrs Jones if they put their names to the gift),
Thank you for your thoughtful gift of (brownies/cookies/angel figurine). Knowing that you understand how much my mother meant to me is a definite comfort as I grieve her loss. You are a very special person/special people for offering me your support and I will never forget that.
Sincerely,
Ms. NeJaime
Hopefully this will be of help to you but if you have further conditions or questions, please feel free to ask.
Posted by: tbtine | April 10, 2005 at 08:00 PM
Words, words, please. What can one say to thank pallbearers? My mind seems to go blank as I stare at the empty card. These people were so specially chosen, what can convey that meaning?
Posted by: emmid | June 02, 2005 at 03:26 PM
Emmid,
I'm sorry that I've not seen this comment to respond sooner.
I'm going to take a chance that this will still even be remotely helpful to you, but most of the bearers at my mother's funeral wound up being family. In my case this made writing them a thank you a bit easier, as did mentioning their devotion to my mother for having driven through a flood to be there (I'm not kidding, there was a flood).
Dear James,
You were such a large part of John's life that there was really no question about what part you should play in his funeral service. We are sincerely thankful that you agreed to serve as a pallbearer. It is during such difficult times that you truly realize the value of friendship/family.
Gratefully,
Emmid
You could, if you wanted to, add a specific anecdote about their relationship to the deceased, but keeping it short is totally acceptable.
Posted by: tbtine | July 12, 2005 at 10:57 PM
Thank you for this site. It is so compassionate, supportive and helpful.
Your replies to others demonstrate your gift for saying the right thing at the right time.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 16, 2008 at 04:21 AM
Wow, what a wonderful site. Thank you. My dear mother died on February 20th from Pancreatic Cancer. She had been doing awesome and changed her medicine to an at home chemo pill. Had a bad reaction. Went in for fluids and never came home. We all thought she was coming home even the doctor until the night before. Needless to say we are all devestated. We come from a large Italian family and I have family that are probably waiting for their thank you's. This is weighing on my mind. I have been searching for something different. I can't possibly send out the funeral home thank you cards. I promised myself after Mother's Day that I would make the time and mental time to find cards. I found your website and what a big help. I found a quote that really somes up my mother's bravery in her fight to overcome Pancreatic Cancer. Thank you so much for this site. I am now looking for a basic verse.
Lisa Zais
Posted by: Lisa Zais | May 12, 2008 at 10:23 AM
Excuse my typo on the previous email. (somes should be sums)
Posted by: Lisa Zais | May 12, 2008 at 10:33 AM
My mother passed away one month ago,two months after breaking her hip. She was a beautiful women outside and in and our family will never be the same. I have not been able to settle down and write thank yous to all the people providing kindness during this very difficult time. This outstanding site has given me the best information I could ever ask for. Thank you so much
for this blessing.
Posted by: Karen Hudson | June 26, 2008 at 09:03 PM
This is a wonderful site and I have learned a lot about thank you notes. My problem is how to sign the thank you card. I recently "hosted" a funeral for my aunt who died at the age of 99. I was her guardian and conservator for 10 years. Her husband and son had predeceased her. The funeral was small and consisted mostly of family members. Do I sign the tank you card "the family of" of sign my name?
Posted by: Judy | July 15, 2008 at 03:30 PM
Hi Judy,
My condolences on your loss, but what a testament to your family that you took care of your aunt for ten years before she passed! Sadly, I know some children who wouldn't give their own parents such care—let alone an aunt.
Anyway, this is the advice of someone with many machinations in her family, so take it with a grain of salt if you feel this does not apply to your situation: I'd not sign off "The family of" since most of the people who attended the funeral—and whom you are thanking—are also family. I've found it surprising how many people (who have no right to) get their nose out of joint at the slightest thing in the wake of someone's death. And you, dear lady, don't need to be dealing with that on top of grieving.
The important thing is that you know you were your aunt's primary care giver during her life (and death).
So what do you say? I'd suggest signing off with either "Sincerely," or "With warmest regards," since it conveys emotion without creating waves within the family.
Posted by: tbtine | July 18, 2008 at 10:34 AM
Thanks for this extremely helpful site. I lost my father last week and am beginning to write all of the thank you notes--there are many as he had so many friends. The info in this site is just what I needed! Carry on with your good work.
Posted by: Paula | July 30, 2008 at 07:15 AM
My infant son passed away before we were able to print out baby anouncemnts. How common is it to make a "baby anouncement/funeral thank you card" in one? Im at loss for words since my space is limited. I have his name, date of birth - date of passing and our family name. I want to inculde a simple line of thank you. His picture takes up most of the 4X8 card
Posted by: Angelina Guzman | October 06, 2008 at 08:50 PM
How do you a send thank you card for flowers if they are from a group of people you work with?
Posted by: Barbara | September 10, 2009 at 10:10 AM
Hi Barbara,
I had to send one to my husband's company so I know the conundrum. I'm just going to refer back to something I posted earlier since I don't know the specifics of your situation.
"How you thank coworkers is relative to the size of the group and your relationship to them. For instance, if your close group of friends at work went in on a gift, you should thank them all individually. If you got a basket from "The IT Staff" and you work in accounting, it's ok to send one card addressed to their department. If the basket came from the the entire company, you can send one thank you to the whole company. This last one can be tricky if you work for a large corporation, but usually branch offices are the ones responsible for sending "company" condolence gifts, so you can send the note to the office in which you work."
If you're asking how to address them in the salutation, I used "Dear Friends at XX Company". I thought that was the best way to include the people who were my husband's friends as well as the powers that be (who were responsible for the gift's purchase).
Posted by: tbtine | September 15, 2009 at 01:16 PM
My mother passed away ten months ago and I still have not written thank you notes for the donations made in her memory. I was just not up to it until now. I am very embarrassed and wish to thank everyone for their kind donations, but I don't know how to explain why it took me so very long to acknowledge their thoughtfulness. Please help me with how to explain/phrase my extreme lateness in responding.
Thank you,
Fran L.
Posted by: Fran Levy | January 24, 2010 at 10:48 AM