a limited how-to for writing bereavement thanks

I'm getting quite a few hits from people seeking bereavement thanks. Given that some time around January 10, 2005 I did the same search and found absolutely nothing beyond the unbelievable plethora of absolutely tacky preprinted cards, I thought that I'd share what I've worked out for myself in the last two weeks as well as offer a few samples of what I ended up writing. I hope I do it in a thoughtful way and don't come off too preachy.

Time Frame This seems to be the most sought after subtopic.

Unlike other thank you notes, you are not required to jump right up and send out bereavement thanks within a day or two of the gift's receipt. There's an innate understanding that while some (like me) immediately look for activities to get beyond the loss, others do whatever they can to avoid acknowledging the death at all costs for a few weeks or months. Most people are gracious enough to understand that each person's grief is different and will allow you space to do whatever you need to do to heal. Additionally, if you have been through the funeral process in any "planner" capacity, it is understood that you have had your hands full and it might be some time before you are able to respond.

I have yet to find any etiquette books dealing specifically with the writing and timing of bereavement thanks. Most of the books claiming they do so usually only cursorily cover how to write a condolence note and not a bereavement thank you. Without guidance from an "etiquette professional", as cheesy as it sounds, it's ultimately up to you to decide how, what and when you are ready to take on regarding the "business side" of your loss. I choose to believe that any suggestion to get thank yous out within a month or two of a death is just a well-meant attempt to help you avoid the daunting pile facing you later. But if you're feeling guilty about not getting them written, come back and read this as many times as you need to:

While I'm very thankful for the love and support people are offering me at this time, I'm sure that they would much rather I help myself heal than feel like a failure for not getting their thank you card written immediately. I will write them an official thank you later, but for now I will only demand a phone call, visit or email from myself for gifts of food or flowers. Not that sympathy cards don't count, just that I need to draw the line somewhere.

What to Write Writing bereavement thanks is so tough because you're not only expressing gratitude, you are acknowledging another person's grief at a time when you're often still dealing with your own. Consoling another can be awkward and sometimes painful, but it can also be therapeutic.

One of the first things I can offer is that if you purchase thank you cards from the funeral home during the arrangement process, don't be surprised if they were printed in 1965 and look like they've been waiting for someone to save them from the burn pile. The ones we got were powdery, for lack of a better description, and I didn't even open the box before I started googling away. Had I opened them, I'd have seen that there was already a sentiment printed inside. While this sentiment was a bit stiff for my taste (Your comforting expression of sympathy will always be held in grateful remembrance), finding it there made getting started a little bit easier. If you are in a place where all you can manage is to sign a pre-printed card, that more than fulfills your responsibility. Again, people WILL understand.

However, if you're ready to write something more, just remember to keep it brief, sincere, personal and specific. Outside of these things I found the biggest challenge has been thanking people I don't know well (or at all). For what it's worth, here's how I handled some of those challenges myself:

FLOWERS
Dear Charles and Greta,
Thank you so much for the flowers. We thought the roses were beautiful and, as they were Mom's favorite, found comfort in them.

Your thoughtfulness during this time is a great support.

Thank you again,
The L. Family

.......................

DONATIONS
Dear Tom and Nancy,
Your donation to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society was wonderfully thoughtful. They do great things for people with her disease and we are comforted in the knowledge that another family may be receiving support in Mom's name.

Thank you again,
The L. Family

.......................

FOOD
Dear Joey,
Your thoughtful gift of chicken soup and homemade rolls was absolutely delicious and just what we needed.

You were always such a great friend to my mother, especially in the last year. We all appreciate your kindness to us now as we move through this difficult time.

God Bless (she's particularly religious),
The L. Family

This one also addresses the fact that I while "Joey" was a relative stranger to me, she had become instrumental to Mom in the last year of her life. In cases like this one, I also included an acknowledgement of what her friendship and support meant to my mother and by extention to her family. My experience has been that this acknowledgement soothes their pain, making mine seem less.

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CONDOLENCE/SYMPATHY CARDS
Yes, it is good to acknowledge these cards with a thank you. If you receive one from a close personal friend you are within your rights to call. However, if the card is from an acquaintance or if it is a letter (which many etiquette sites advise should be sent in place of a greeting card), you should acknowledge it in writing.

Dear Mr and Mrs Rose,
Your condolence card was a source of strength for me/us in this difficult time. I wish I could express how much it meant in attempting to thank you.

The knowledge that I/we have your support makes coping a little easier.

Thank you,
The L. Family

.......................

MEMORIAL MASS OFFERINGS
I'm unsure of similar traditions in other faiths, but memorial masses are often said for deceased Catholics. In this manner the congregation prays for the immortal soul of the deceased so that they may leave purgatory and enter heaven earlier than they would otherwise (or at least that's the idea). My mother was a True Believer and she wore her faith like a shield. This is how I handled thank you cards for these gifts:

Dear Laurie,
Thank you for arranging a memorial mass in Mom's name. Her faith was a very large part of who she was and it brought her great strength and comfort. It would mean a lot to her that you recognized that by the way she lived her life.

Your continued respect for her and compassion for us is a great comfort.

Thank you and God bless,
The L. Family

.......................

CARDS FROM PHYSICIANS OR DENTISTS
I don't know how common it is to receive condolences from former doctors or dentists of the deceased, but we got them. I was especially surprised by the one from her dentist because I didn't know they were aware of her situation in the weeks leading up to her death. I thought it was so extremely thoughtful that I had to mention it in the thanks:

Dear Dr K, Michele, Craig, Debbie, Shannon, Tina & Leslie,
I don't know how often a dentist's office sends a sympathy card, but it must be a testament to both you and Mom that you'd do so. It is such a comfort right now to know how many lives she touched. Thank you for thinking of her and of us.

The L. Family

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SPECIAL FOCUS ON FAMILY
Nothing brings out family you've never met before (or haven't seen in a long time anyway) like weddings and funerals. As hard as it is to think of it like a social event, funerals are a great place to socialize. It's good to write something that's specific to the person you're thanking--maybe an anecdote from the viewing or photos/family history they shared. People usually want to maintain family connections beyond the funeral and mentioning the importance of these little things can open a doorway to further communication. It's worth the effort if you can manage it.

What to Write to People Who Have Hurt You This is not the time to air your negative feelings. If the person did even the smallest kindness for the one you lost, be thankful for that gift even if you want to claw the person's eyes out.

It goes without saying that sometimes people aren't as gracious to the bereaved as they should be. These people are to be pitied, to be sure, but you've got more home trainin' than that. Send them a thank you and be done with it. You'll be glad you did.

What Name Do I Use to Sign the Card? Obviously if the card/gift was addressed to you directly, you are free to put your own name on the note. However, if the card/gift was given to the entire family or to several members of the family but not all (this is fairly common in larger families), the signature should be "The Smiths" or "The Joneses"--or you can run the list of names if you have a smaller family (ie, "Robert, James & Brenda Smith").

In my case there were several times when I wrote a personal message to people about things only I knew about, but I still made sure to include my whole family's name because the card/gift was given to all of us. Also, there might be times when things will be given to three people but not to you--if you have the responsibility of writing the card, you should still write that it's from the family. That way you avoid any hurt feelings the gift giver might have (even though they were the ones addressing it to a particular person(s) and not you in the first place--stranger things have happened).

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Thanks to a clever monkey whose excite search netted a link to Emily Post's site which actually had something to say about bereavement thanks:

There is no official time frame for writing notes of appreciation to those who have extended their condolences and kindness to you. The important thing is that you have received comfort from the many who have helped you. For some, writing notes is helpful as they work through their grief; for others it is too difficult to get much done for some time. The best thing is to work things through at your own pace. Another option, is to ask a close relative or friend to write some notes on your behalf. It's up to you.

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If you have come to this site looking for something I've not covered, don't be afraid to ask. Bereavement thanks seem to be something that everyone has difficulty with and no one offers much help beyond trying to sell you some shmaltzy card of a beach at sunset.

Comments

[tbtine]

Fran, I hope that these last ten months have brought you some peace. It's tough coming out of the fog—for a long time I felt like I could just see the sun peeking out and them BOOM I'd be grieving all over again. I think that happens for most people, and certainly those you need to write to will understand your need to wait until now to respond.

I don't think that you really need to give people a reason for not writing sooner (isn't your loss reason enough?). And I certainly don't think you should offer them anything like an apology—even if for some reason you feel you should.

However, if you truly feel that you must acknowledge the 'lateness', how about something like this:

Dear Brian and Carolyn,
The last ten months have passed for me as if they were the blink of an eye. I have often thought of your donation in Mom's name and wanted to let you know how much comfort it has brought me that such good work is being done in her name.

Thank you for your support and understanding,
Fran

That way you've acknowledged the ten months, given a subtle nod to the fact that your grief was what kept you from writing sooner, and let them know that their gift has offered some comfort. If you know the people better and want to add something a bit more personal about how you're doing with your grief now, feel free to do so. Otherwise, I'd keep it short.

People will understand.

[tbtine]

Also, I thought I had posted an update on Angelina's request here last year, but I obviously did not. Her loss is/was great and I wasn't in a position to help her when she wrote because I'd had a baby only two weeks prior to her post and was dealing with a host of issues of my own at the time.

I'd asked her in December 2008 what she'd wound up doing and got no response.

My feeling about loss as a whole is extremely complex. Still, I cannot even imagine what losing a child must be like, no matter their age, but I imagine the loss of an infant must be devastating.

To anyone who comes looking for what to do or say in the wake of this kind of loss, I'd say that Angelina's idea of using a birth announcement as a memorial/thank you card is definitely a creative one, but also likely a lifesaver to anyone finding themselves in this situation. As far as what to print on it as a thank you card, I think that this is one of those cases where you're really given a 'pass' on thanking anyone for anything.

If anyone else has suggestions, please feel free to share!

[Cindy]

thank you! i'm so grateful to find your site and words of advice. i have been putting off writing thank you cards/notes but this is really going to help. my Mom's services were on 8/9 so i'm late, but not too much off track. so sorry for your loss btw

[tbtine]

Cindy, you're not late! Really, people will understand if you take a while to respond (or don't respond at all). Be good to yourself during this time—and practice some self forgiveness. Your mother would want that for you!

[Eva Maria Sotomayor]

Thank you for building this site. I'm a baby boomer who relies on the Internet to find wonderful people like you, who fortunately for me, have already traveled on my yellow brick road and have graciously offered their help to get me through my journey, in this case, bereavement thank you notes.
A load has been lifted here and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help with this final duty/responsibility. I was actually feeling guilty about getting the notes out...
Our precious mother died on 10-01-10 and today is 10-11-10 and I'm not going to stress another minute about getting the T.Y. notes out...
Thanks again for your strength in building this site for the likes of me and others just like me.
Eva Maria Sotomayor

[tbtine]

Eva—I hope you did put down the load on your heart. No one will be sitting around waiting for you to respond to them, and if they are, they have some issues of their own to resolve!

[shannon family]

In this time that my family is sorting through the do's and don'ts after the loss of our wife/mother this site has proved extremely helpful. We thank you for creating such a site.

[Kathy Kaighn]

I am looking for the phrase that

You may have expressed your sympathy with a mass card, phone call or just words of comfort.

It goes something like that

It may have been a visit, mass card, sympathy card, phone call

Do you know the message I am referring to - my mom passed away last week and it is difficult to acknowlegdge the kindness that everyone has shown us - I think kindness is in that message also