Today is my little brother's birthday. He's not really so little any more; he looks down at me and has to shave. I have a difficult time remembering how old I am most of the time, so my age never really occurs to me until I think about how old he is.

29.

I'd give anything to have those years back. It's not that I'm unhappy with my life; I just miss feeling like there was still so much more time to do everything I wanted to do. I'm not that much older than Robespierre--I'm just becoming more and more aware of the clock with every day that passes. Perhaps it's because I'm finally entering that age group where suddenly nearly everyone I know has at least one friend or loved one who is battling some kind of life threatening illness. That'll really wake you up to your own mortality right quick. It makes each day I don't make it to the gym even more of a pebble in my shoe; as if in my vanity I could keep myself from becoming "infected" myself.

When I was younger these thoughts didn't cross my mind so much. Sure, I had the whole artist's romantic notion of death--but I was too young then to really appreciate what the process of dying really meant because the bulk of my experience with it was a little more dramatic (car accidents, drownings, suicides). Now...now when I look back at my depressive youth, I can see that even while I was looking over the precipice, I was still biting, scratching and clawing my way back in the direction of life. It's a little humbling to me to think of it like that when just the other day I told a close friend that I didn't know if I'd have it in me to fight the way my mother did if I found out I had cancer. I guess you don't really know what you're capable of doing to hold onto life until you're out the other side and able to look back.

It's a better thing
that we do now
forgetting everything
the whys and hows
While you reminisce
about the things you miss
you won't be ready to kiss...
goodbye

The last few months have been quite a blur, but good, bad or ugly, it's all been the living of life.