"Now you stab mommy"

That's what a man told his son. After he himself finished stabbing his wife, the man gave the knife to his son and said that. His son? TWO-YEARS-OLD.

A man takes his daughter on a plane ride. Straight into her grandma's house, killing himself and the daughter. She? EIGHT-YEARS-OLD [Grandma's ok though].

A man has some heartburn with his wife for reasons still unknown, but suspicions are that it's because he thought she was traveling to her job in Puerto Rico too often. What does he do? Dismembers her with their two kids in the house. FOUR- and SIX-YEARS-OLD.

What. The. Fuck. People?

What kind of a world are we living in where stuff like this happens? To KIDS!

It's not like this is the first time things like this have happened, nor is it the first time where I've been left agog with wonder at the human condition. Somehow it just seems that much more shocking if kids are involved, because I've heard variations of these stories involving other adults more times than I care to consider, and while it's not ok, the "wrongness" is dialed down a little.

Does it make it worse that these people did these things to their own children? Is it any better that things much worse than this are happening half a world away between adults who are completely unrelated to the children they are murdering, mutilating and discarding? When I start considering all of the angles, it boggles my mind. I'm feeling a little nauseated, actually.

....

Unrelated, but this morning I was turning into my gym, thinking happy thoughts, looking forward to spring when it occurred to me that I had no idea when the last time I called my mother was. I wondered how she was doing, and made a happy mental note to pick up the phone to call her today. Only a small blip on the radar was the thought that she's probably annoyed with me for not calling sooner. Oh, well, I thought, maybe we can make plans to do something together--I could use some sewing pointers.

And then it hit me that she has been dead over two years now. And then it hit me again that this is the first time I thought about that and didn't feel like I'd been punched in the gut. Of course I wasn't happy about it, but my thinking was actually, "Oh, well then, that explains why I've not spoken to her in a while" and then a mental laugh (and not a malicious one either).

And then? Then I realized that this was a new way for me to think of her--that while she was alive I would never have been happy about calling her. Nor would I have looked forward to making plans to do something with her. For that matter, I don't know if I'd have taken up sewing had she still been alive. Maybe, I don't know. Regardless, the thought of her put a smile on my face, a smile that she isn't alive to take away from me (as she did numerous times in life; sharing in another's happiness? not her strong suit).

I don't cotton to revisionist history, but I'm wondering if this is a sign that I can have a better relationship with her now that she's dead than I'd ever have had while she was alive?

Comments

[Eddie C]

I know it doesn't relate to this post - but just the fact that you found a way to use the word bifurcated in a blog post headline clearly shows why you are one of my favorite people ever.

[Rosemary Russo]

I recently buried my son. I was totally in shock for the first few weeks. I had preprinted cards from the funeral home. They said the family of (name of my son) thank you for your kind expressions of sympathy. I had over a hundred. I did write notes in some thanking them for flowers or contributions to a scholarship fund for my granddaughter, but many I just mailed without signing. Now I realize that was an error. I was in a daze and thought that because the message read the family of the deceased thanks you that it would suffice. I sent cards to all who came to the wake and funeral, regardless of what they gave. Please advise, was I wrong?

[tbtine]

Rosemary, those preprinted cards likely made a painful job somewhat easier during the shell shock phase. [Had I been offered that option when Mom passed, I'd have taken it.]

What's more, most would agree that losing a child is much worse than losing anyone else because it is so out of the natural order of things. Even those who have no experience of such a thing will make exceptions galore while you grieve.

Finally, over the course of the last three years I have had several grief-stricken friends make the conscious decision not to send thank you cards at all. I make this point just to say that unlike other life events (weddings, births, showers), thank you cards don't seem to necessarily be "required" after a funeral any more. I will let Ms Manners decide what this means for society, but I tell myself that it at least affords the grieving the chance to grieve.

It sounds to me that your handling of the cards was perfect and that upon delivery each recipient sent a prayer up for you and your family all over again.

You did right by your son and your family, so give yourself some much deserved love.

[Carpet Cleaning]

the world can be cruel at times. It's always been that way and always will be that way. We can only persever and do the best we can to prevent it.

As far as you having a better relationsship with your mom now that she's dead? If you feel that way then the answer is yes. Only you will know that. It's not a bad thing. I never apreciated my family untill I moved out of state. Now I get along with everyone very well because I do not see them often